How to change a flat tire on an ice-covered road in the frozen Midwest:

Step 1) Don’t live in the Midwest. Live somewhere that’s warm year round. If somehow this step has failed, proceed to step 2 below.

Step 2) Pull over and check the tire. If it’s flat, make sure no one is in the car, moving around when you change the tire. If you 9-year-old daughter is in the car, this means you have to drive several blocks to get home because you don’t want her to freeze on the curbside while you take care of it. Plus, you are wearing shorts because you just came back from jogging indoors (because it’s too cold to take your daughter jogging outdoors). On the plu side, the mushy snow on the roadway should mitigate damage to the rim when you drive.

Step 3) Make sure the donut spare buried under the spare coats and emergency blankets in the trunk is in good condition or is at least inflated.

Step 4) Loosen the lug nuts before jacking up the car. Tugging on the nuts while it’s in the air might bring the car crashing down.

Step 5) When you have trouble pulling that last lug nut loose, adjust the tire iron and stomp the crap out of it to finally get the nut to budge.

Step 6) Find the almost undetectable notches in the frame that mark the jack points. Mistaking a scrape in the body from that time you jumped the curb while adjusting the radio for a jack notch could result in tearing off the quarter panel.

Step 7) Make sure the jack is placed on a stable surface, which doesn’t include several inches of snow and ice. This is why we recommend Step 1. In the event you are unable to find a dry, solid surface in a hospitable environment, continue while keeping yor distance in case the jack slips and the whole affair comes crashing down.

Step 8) Being careful to avoid having your skin adhere to the bare metal handle, jack the vehicle into the air, remove the lug nuts and the flat tire. Place the temporary spare and return the lug nuts, but don’t tighten until the tire is back on the ground. 

Step 9) Return home and take you chances with a new repair shop because it’s Saturday afternoon, and your regular mechanic is closed. Don’t worry about the warranty on the old tire because driving home while it was flat probably voided it.

Special thanks to Mechanix gloves for making this repair possible.

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